


Unwanted

by Eggums



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bisexual Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Dominick "Sonny" Carisi and Amanda Rollins friendship, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggums/pseuds/Eggums
Summary: Rafael Barba has no desire to be subjected to a soulmate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been working on this for some time and as of publishing this, it's still not finished.  
> I have a general idea of how this is supposed to end but I've been in a bad funk and I've been having a lot of trouble doing... _anything_. 
> 
> I'm publishing in the hopes that I'll regain the ability to finish this. If I don't, I'm sorry but I'm warning you ahead of time.
> 
> Shoutout to tobeconspicuous for all her help!

ADA Rafael Barba didn’t have a soulmate and didn’t seem to want to find one.   
  
Detective Sonny Carisi didn’t need to talk to the man to figure that out.

Barba made it obvious by wearing very nice gloves. Slate gray, leather, soft and buttery against Sonny’s skin when he shook the man’s hand. Long enough to disappear beneath the cuff of, what was clearly, an expensive and well-made suit coat. The color of the gloves matched one of the colors of his tie and the pocket square on his chest.   
  
Sonny wondered if his socks and underwear also matched.   
  
He also wondered if he had gloves in several different colors to match various ties and pocket squares. _Matching socks and underwear for those as well?_  
  
It wasn’t any of Sonny’s business whether or not Barba wanted to find his soulmate, he just found it interesting. Sonny was very much the opposite. He went about life without any kind of adornment on his hands - no ring to indicate him having a soulmate or had and lost a soulmate and definitely no gloves. A visible sign to everyone that Sonny was _searching_ , ready and willing to meet that one special person.   
  
It wasn’t uncommon to meet people who wore gloves. Back in the 50s, everyone wore gloves and would only touch the skin of another once they were sure they wanted to try building a life with that person. Things changed in the 60s and 70s - young people went about with bare hands, excited to stumble into their soulmate and start a life with what could possibly be a complete stranger.   
  
There were still plenty of people who wore gloves - some just old fashioned and some who simply didn’t want their soulmate.   
  
_Personally, Sonny felt like that was a little selfish._ Didn’t the other person get a say in it?   
  
To be fair, Sonny reasoned to himself, it wasn’t unheard of that someone met their soulmate and decided _not_ to stay with that person. Various reasons, maybe they had already married and decided to stay with their partner. Maybe their soulmate was a terrible person _and really, what did that say about them?_

That being said, it also wasn’t unheard of that a resentful _abandoned_ soulmate took matters into their own hands and forced themselves upon the other. 

Sonny wondered what Barba’s reason was. Not that he’d ever ask - the man looked as though he could kill someone with one fierce glare.   
  
*   
  
Not true, Sonny learned over time. A glare from Barba wasn’t an immediate death sentence but it was an invite to jeers and somewhat unkind laughter from his co-workers.   
There was also the barbed insults, poking at Sonny’s choice of _higher learning_. The eye-rolls, scoffs, and razor sharp quips always following one of Sonny’s legal suggestions or references.   
  
Those weren’t death sentences either, but they weren’t exactly breathing life into him.   
  
Rafael Barba seemed to revel in the jabs he sent Sonny’s way.   
  
It grew easier and easier to see the benefits of Barba refusing to meet his soulmate - for the other person’s sake.   
  
*   
  
“Only a matter of time, huh?”   
  
Sonny lifted his eyes from his computer screen and met Barba’s gaze, “Sorry?”   
  
“Before you bond with some lucky girl and raise eight kids.”   
  
From anyone else, Sonny could’ve considered the comment a compliment but Barba’s tone indicated a high level of distaste for the whole matter. _So why the hell was he bringing it up_?

Did Barba feel that much more comfortable around Sonny after he'd shadowed him for the Louis Hodda case? Sonny had hoped so, hoped he had impressed the older man.  
  
“Lucky girl or guy, sure. I guess, though 8 kids might be a stretch. To turn a phrase.” He chuckled, “why are you suddenly curious about me?”   
  
Rafael’s eyebrows had jumped up when Sonny mentioned the possibility of a male soulmate but otherwise his face remained impassive. “Isn’t that the dream?”   
“For some people, sure. I just want to meet someone to spend my life with. Someone who wants to spend their life with me. Doesn’t everyone?” Sonny’s eyes flicked from Barba’s face to his gloves and back again, “Uh…”

“Observant. You should be a detective, Carisi.” Barba smirked.   
Sonny grimaced, “Tit for tat, Counselor. You asked if that was my dream and I answered. So,” he gestured to Barba, “Can I ask about the gloves?”     
  
Barba didn’t even twitch, “Usually I’d tell anyone asking about my gloves they need to stick their nose elsewhere but you’re not wrong. I did start the line of questioning.” He lifted his hands and showed Sonny his palms - today the rich buttery leather gloves were a deep burgundy color, impeccably matching his shirt, “I hate the idea of being forced to love someone I didn’t choose myself.”   
  
“This isn’t the 50s anymore, Counselor. No one has the right to force you to remain with a soulmate.”   
“Depending on the state, Detective, I'm sure you realize there are several cases of victims being told to remain with their abusive soulmate.”

Sonny rolled his eyes and Rafael grinned, “But I'll grant you that this hasn’t happened fairly recently in New York. That, however, doesn’t stop the other aspects of refusing the bond. The constant nausea and headaches? The waves of dizziness and confusion? The sporadic _telepathy_? No court may force me but Mother Nature seems intent.” 

Sonny nodded slowly. _When you put it like that, sure. It sounds like punishment._

“Well, _I_ want to meet him or her. From what other people tell me, it sounds like the most amazing thing ever. Besides, I already know whoever my soulmate is - they're amazing.”

Barba gave him a skeptical look.

Sonny leaned forward, towards Barba, wondering if his refusal to meet a soulmate meant the man was a virgin. Surely no one could have gone untouched their entire life and Barba certainly didn't seem like a man who was celibate. 

“You look like you have more questions, Carisi.” Barba was smirking again.

“When have I never had questions?” Sonny shot back, “Something tells me you won't be so forthcoming with answers, though.”

“He can be taught!” Barba flashed a grin and sauntered away.

Sonny watched, successfully resisting the odd and sudden urge he had to chase the man.

*  
  
“Stop crowding me.” Rafael bit out at the detectives tailing him, “This is _completely_ unnecessary.”   
  
“A threat on your life is kind of a big deal, Counselor.” Rollins spoke up cheerfully, “We can’t let our favorite ADA go and get murdered.” Beside her, Sonny chuckled; barely flinching when Barba shot him a dark glare.   
“I’m so flattered.” the older man snarled, “Exactly how long will you Wonder Twins be gracing me with your presence?”   
  
“Wonder Twins?” Sonny glanced at his partner for clarification.

She smirked as she shrugged, “Before our time. Sorry, Barba, references from the 40s is way over our heads.”

Sonny laughed again, earning another baleful glare from the attorney.   
“Here I was starting to like you, Carisi.” Barba narrowed his gaze at Sonny, presumably the weak link of the two.

“You told me 10 minutes ago that my legal insights were as deep as a paper plate.”   
  
Rollins barked out a laugh, attempting to smother it at the look on Sonny’s face, “That was a good one, though.”

“ _Anyway_ , if that’s how you treat people you like, I’m glad I’m not on your shitlist.”   
“Friendly teasing, Carisi. Maybe they offer a class on learning to take a joke at Fordham.” Barba quipped.

Rollins gave an odd laughing cough and Sonny rolled his eyes. “Yep, there it goes. I’m not even sure how that’s insulting but I feel insulted.”  
  
“What about me, Counselor? You like me?” Rollins asked, eyes dancing with laughter.   
“I’d like you a lot more if you weren’t stepping on the heels of my shoes - they’re Italian leather loafers, Rollins, if you scuff them, I’ll be sending you the bill.”   
“Sure thing, Barba, just put it in an envelope and drop it straight into the trash can.”

“I didn’t realize you moved into a nicer place, Rollins.” Rafael smirked, “I’ll send a gift basket.”  
  
Sonny snorted, “You’re right, Amanda, it’s a lot funnier when it’s not directed at me.”

“I’m more mad at myself for walking into that one.”   
  
“Would you two hurry the hell up? I’m already late for my lunch meeting with the DA thanks to your fun new Check-In/Check-Out restrictions. Plus, I forgot my scarf and now my neck is cold.” Barba groused, weaving in and out of the foot traffic on the sidewalk.   
Sonny marvelled, his own long legs not doing much for the teeming crowds of people, _For a short guy, he can really move when he wants to_.

Rollins followed in Sonny’s wake, “Aw, hell, I can’t even see him anymore. Keep on him, Sonny, don’t lose him.”

“Righto.” Sonny pushed forward, calling out apologies and ‘excuse me!’   
  
He saw Barba power-walking several feet behind a much larger group that had just crossed a street. Sonny jogged to catch up, “Counselor! You can’t just run off on us!”

Barba stepped into the street and glanced back at him, smirking, “Watch me!” He turned his head and gasped - a black town car was bearing down on him, the driver honking.   
  
He froze, unable to will his legs to move. A hand reached out and yanked him, spinning on his heel, against a solid body. A warm hand covered his bare neck.   
  
“HEY! YEAH, KEEP DRIVING YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, _God_ , the way people drive around here, you’d think they’re getting points for-” Rollins yelled furiously as she caught up. Her words trailed off as she caught sight of Sonny and Barba.   
  
The two were frozen, Sonny’s right arm squeezed around the smaller man, his left hand clasping Barba’s neck.

Barba’s shoulders were rigid, arms hanging at his sides, gloved hands curled into fists.   
  
“... fellas?”   
  
Barba moved then, shoving Sonny back, “Are you kidding me?” Sonny stared back at the shorter man, the smile on his face fading into confusion. His hand was fisted in the fabric of Barba’s overcoat. Barba yanked the fabric from Sonny’s grip, his face twisted in fury, “How _could_ you!? _How dare you!_?”   
  
Amanda gaped, “He saved your life, Barba, what the hell?”   
Barba looked at her, almost as if he was surprised she was there. He looked as though he was on the verge of tears.   
  
“Bar- Raf-” Sonny stuttered, “I- I swear I didn’t mean to. But- this is-”

“You didn’t _mean_ to?” Barba hissed, “You’ve been dying to try your luck since you met me. Don’t you dare deny it. Congratulations, _Detective_. I hope you’re happy.” He yanked off his gloves and threw them so that the fine leather bounced off Sonny’s chest and landed on the sidewalk.

“What the hell just happened here!?” Amanda yelled out, moving between the two men, “Did you want to hit by a car, Barba, cause that can be arranged!”

Sonny touched her shoulder, shaking his head when she turned to face him, “Don’t- it’s not his- It’s my fault. It’s my fault, I’m- I never meant to, Rafael, I wasn’t thinking. I- I’m sorry, _I’m not_ -” His voice caught and his expression crumpled, tears spilling, “ _Please_.”   
  
Amanda stared at him, even more confused and slightly terrified at Sonny’s expression. Only minutes ago he’d been laughing. She turned to look at the attorney, seeing only the back of his head as he disappeared into the crowd.   
  
“Shit- Sonny, Sonny, we can’t lose him.”  
  
Sonny shook his head. He bent down and retrieved Barba’s gloves before staggering to the side of the closest building. He leaned against the wall as he seemed to struggle to breathe, “Call the Lieu- tell her to get a uni at- at the restaurant- he’s still going to his lunch meeting.”

“What do I tell Liv when she asks why we aren’t with him?”

“Give me a sec, I’ll tell her.”

“You’re sure he’s headed to the restaurant?”  
Sonny nodded, wiping at his face with his sleeves, “Positive.”

“How?”  
  
Sonny grimaced for a second, then smiled at her, fresh tears trailing down his cheeks, “I can hear him in my head, ‘Manda. He’s my soulmate.”


	2. Chapter 2

Rafael lasted 30 minutes through lunch before he cut it short, complaining of a migraine.    
It wasn’t completely untrue. He walked over to the table where a pair of uniformed officers sat and asked if they could take him home. 

“Of course, Mr. Barba.” one spoke up, “Feeling okay?”   
“Headache.” He murmured, “Migraine.” 

They nodded and lead him out to their patrol car. Rafael couldn’t even manage to make a sarcastic remark about riding in the back of a marked car. 

His head continued to pound from the constant barrage of Sonny Carisi’s emotions. He screwed up all the energy he had and yelled, internally,  _ STOP IT.  _

Silence, for all of 20 seconds. 

Then a faint feeling of apologetic regret drifted through him.   
Rafael concentrated on his breathing, feeling somewhat dizzy. The little he had at lunch rolled unpleasantly in his stomach, _They weren’t kidding about the nausea_.   
Guilt. Cautious curiosity, _Are you okay?_  
  
Rafael sneered, _No. You crossed a line_.  
More guilt poured through the bond and Rafael’s stomach flipped again, _Stop it. Stop punishing me for your mistake_.   
Guilt, frustration. Annoyance, _I wasn’t trying to touch your skin, Rafael, why can’t you believe me? I pulled you out of the street, I thought you were gonna fall, I grabbed you to keep you steady_.   
  
Rafael snorted derisively, _You’re a liar, Carisi. I’ve seen how you look at me._  
  
Surprise. Humiliation. A flair of desire. _What did I ever do to you that you think so little of me? I’ve only ever respected you, Counselor. Yeah, I wanted to impress you. Yeah, you’re hot and I don’t mind getting an eyeful when I get the chance._ _  
_ _  
_ _You forced yourself on me_.   
  
Sonny’s emotions exploded: horrified shock morphed into disbelief. Then pain, mingling with shame before being drowned by furious anger. Silence.   
Rafael shivered in his seat, feeling as though he was physically pushed back into his seat. _That came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like that._ __Carisi. Carisi?

His stomach shifted dangerously and Rafael inhaled sharply, “Officers, pull over- I’m going to be sick-” He held it down as he stumbled out of the car. He made it three more feet before emptying his stomach on the stoop of a brownstone.    
  
*   
  
“Do you need Amanda or Finn to escort you home?”    
  
Sonny shook his head, wincing at the pain the movement caused. “‘M fine, Lieu. I took the subway this morning… ‘m just gonna go home and- uh… take some pills.” 

Liv swallowed hard, “Something for the headache?”

“Yeah, the headache. The stomachache. Not- not like a bottle-full, Lieu, I’m- I wouldn’t do that.”    
  
He’d yank himself as far from the bond as humanly possible, sure. Force himself not to hear Barba and accept the resulting illness, yeah. He wouldn’t kill himself over how much his soulmate hated him. Not even though Rafael considered their touch - their  _ moment - _ as basically rape.   
Sonny swallowed around a lump in his throat. He just couldn’t seem to stop getting emotional over the whole thing.    
  
He’d only dreamed about meeting his soulmate since he was a child. A handsome man or a beautiful woman, clever, intelligent, funny. Witty. Someone he admired.    
Rafael Barba hit all the marks.    
Sonny had hoped his soulmate would be just as thrilled to meet him. Hell, he’d take disinterested at this point, but not boiling anger. Not an accusation of rape.    
  
“Son… I’m sorry.” Liv murmured, “I can’t- can’t imagine what this feels like for you. For either of you.”

“He said I forced myself on him, Lieu…” Sonny whispered, “Did I? Did I do  _ that _ to him?”  
“No- god, Sonny, no-” Liv pulled the taller man into a hug, “No, no- he’s just- he didn’t mean that. He couldn’t have. You had no idea- you couldn’t have known until it was too late.”

“I had to, Lieu-” the young man choked out, “I couldn’t let him get hurt. I  _ had _ to grab him-”  
“You did the right thing, Sonny. Anything else was an accident.” Sonny pulled away after a moment. He cleared his throat, rubbed the heel of his palm against his eye.  
  
“I’ll talk to him, Sonny.”

“That’s- maybe not a great idea, Lieu. He’s just gonna think you’re trying to convince him to accept me. I- I won’t beg him. Won’t send other people to beg on my behalf.”   
“Then you’re only gonna punish yourselves?” Liv gave him a wry smile.   
  
Sonny scoffed, “When I realized what that feeling meant- that Rafael’s my soulmate, I was happy. I was so happy.” He managed a tremulous smile for a moment, “I won’t ever beg him to accept me. Won’t force him to. If he decides to reject the bond… that’s- that’s his right. I won’t take that from him.”    
“You’re a good man, Sonny. He’ll figure that out.” Liv squeezed his shoulder, “Go home, get some rest. You’ve had a rough day.”    
Sonny took a deep breath.

Liv walked into her office and retrieved her coat. “I can walk you to the subway station.”

Sonny nodded, standing up to pull his own coat on.

They walked in near silence, Sonny bent forward. Finally Liv spoke up as they neared the stairway leading down, “Get something to eat, too. I hear the nausea is awful but you gotta keep your strength up. I’ll leave it at your discretion whether or not you want to take a few days off. Keep me updated.” Sonny nodded, “You're gonna go see him now? I think he left his lunch meeting.”

“He probably went home.”

“Uh,” Sonny spoke up, his voice hesitant, “Can you-?” He frowned, shook his head, “You- you can tell him- if he really wants to break the bond, I will.” 

  
*   
  
“How are you doing?” Liv’s staticky voice asked from Rafael’s intercom, instead of a greeting or asking if she could come in.

Rafael had heard his bell ring and debated answering, more than a little worried that it was Sonny downstairs. The uniformed officers in their patrol car wouldn't have deemed it necessary to stop Carisi or alert Rafael because the younger man had already been on his detail and approved-to-visit list. Only his mother, Liv, the other SVU detectives and Carmen were on the list.

His legs moved before his brain, though and he approached the intercom and hit the mic. His relief at hearing Liv’s voice was staggering. 

Rafael didn't answer her inquiry except to hit the button to unlock the building door.  
He unlocked his front door and wobbled to his couch, dropping unceremoniously into a sprawl. After a few short moments, a knock sounded at the door followed by the sound of the knob turning.

“Rafa?”

Liv stepped into his line of sight, setting her purse down on the coffee table, “You look terrible.”  
Rafael huffed, the corners of his lips twitching into a brief smirk, “Thank you for your honesty.”  
“I’m always honest with you, Rafa.”

They lapsed into silence for a moment as Rafael turned the statement over in his head.  
“He also looks pretty terrible.”  
“He has only himself to blame.” he murmured, only managing to be half-heartedly mad at the younger man.

He knew, deep down, Sonny never intended to  _ touch _ him. Not to see if they bonded, only to pull him out of harm's way. If Rafael hadn't been so annoyed with having the detectives following him, being late, acting stupid just to spite Sonny - he would have never had to be pulled from the street like a child. Sonny would have never had to touch him.

A tiny inner voice, that was solely his own conscience, whispered that if Sonny never touched him, the young man would’ve lived the rest of his life without bonding and  _ that _ would've been Rafael’s fault, too.

_ Would Sonny have eventually met someone else and married, assuming he’d never meet his soulmate? Or pined away until death, waiting and hoping? _

“Rafa… some people live their entire lives without meeting their soulmate-”   
  
“Good god, is everyone privy to my thoughts now?” Rafael pushed himself forward to rub his face with his hands, “I  _ know _ that, Liv. I know that finding their soulmate is some people’s greatest ambition. I know that Sonny-  _ Carisi _ \- he wanted- with his bare hands. Always introducing himself, hand  _ thrust _ out,” he laughed suddenly, the sound of it startling Liv, thinking of his disdain when he met Sonny. His annoyance at seeing the man’s bare hand, stretched out to shake Rafael’s and the nearly imperceptible flicker of disappointment when Sonny saw his gloved hand. Rafael had rolled his eyes and had taken perverse pleasure at denying the eager young man the opportunity.   
  
The sound died in his throat and he exhaled shakely, “I know that it’s not fair to him but it’s not fair to me either. It’s my right to choose who I want to be with. Maybe- maybe I would have- Sonny. But maybe not.”

“You're not wrong, Rafa. But telling him he forced himself on you was… cruel. He's already beating himself up for this.”

“I didn't mean  _ rape _ . I said- I wasn't thinking. I was being an asshole. I'm just… mad. I tried so hard to make sure that I couldn't be forced into a bond, only to be undone by forgetting my scarf and taunting Carisi. I suppose that'll teach me not to try to outrun  _ fate _ .”

“This isn't anyone's fault. Not Carisi’s and not yours, either. It happened and the irony isn't lost on anyone. But now it’s time to deal with this as adults. Carisi would never force you to accept the bond - he’s willing to live with the…” Liv sighed, “The consequences of resisting the bond.”

“Right.”

“He also said to tell you that, if you wanted, he’d even agree to sever the bond completely.” Liv carefully spoke the words, keeping her eyes on Rafael’s face.

Rafael jerked at the comment, staring at Liv. His stomach plummeted at the idea of severing a soul bond. 

He was quiet for a moment before he pushed himself up and off the couch, “I don't see any reason for something that drastic. I realize he must not be completely ecstatic at being bonded to an old man-”  
“Oh, Rafa. You can't seriously think that. Sonny thinks the world of you.” Liv rolled her eyes at the raised eyebrow Rafael shot her, “Maybe not right this moment but he was happy to learn you’re his soulmate.”

“Was.”

“He’s been rejected, Rafa. You accused him of forcing himself on you. You can't blame the guy for being hurt. Talk to him. Even if you decide to resist the bond, you two  _ need _ to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really appreciated all the comments, y'all.   
> It really was a huge boost of confidence so there's more to come. 
> 
> By all means, leave some more of those lovely comments and tell me what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

Cautious curiosity pushed into Sonny’s head. Uncomfortable. Mildly annoyed.  
Sonny snorted into his pillow. Only Rafael Barba would be annoyed with Sonny before he even thought a word.

 _I want to apologize_ , Rafael spoke up.

Sonny was dumbstruck for a moment before responding, _Mistakes made all around_.

_Touching me or gaining me as a soulmate?_

_Touching you._ Sonny answered, immediately, _I should've been more careful._

Sonny could feel Rafael roll his eyes, _That's right, Sonny. Next time you save my life, I fully expect you to be unerringly careful. I'll be sending you the bill for my scuffed Italian leather loafers, by the way.  
_ Sonny sighed, wondering how much that would set him back.

_That was a joke, Sonny._

_Oh. Right. Ha-ha._

Sonny felt amusement burst into his head, startling his eyes open and for a second he fully expected to see Barba in his bedroom, chuckling.

-

_As I recall, I was attempting to apologize to you. I said- I accused you of something awful and untrue. I apologize, it was cruel of me. I was trying to hurt you so you'd leave me alone._

Recollection bloomed in Rafael's head, as Sonny immediately remembered what had been said. How stung he’d been.

 _Thank you_.

Rafael exhaling slowly, surprised that he’d been holding his breath. _I should be thanking you for keeping me from being a well dressed smear on the asphalt._

 _Don't say that. I mean, you're welcome but don't- I nearly lost- you could've gotten hurtinjuredkilled_ \- _be careful. Please._

_You nearly lost me?_

_I meant the- us, not me. The- SVU._ Sonny replied petulantly and Rafael knew that if he could see the man, his lower lip would be jut out.

A bloom of minor embarrassment and surprise drifted from Sonny, _I'm not pouting. I don’t pout._

 _Whatever helps you sleep at night. Look, I don’t know what to do next_ , Rafael admitted, _I never wanted a soulmate.  
_ Rafael felt the other man physically squirm. 

 _And I’ve always wanted- my soulmate. So that leaves the decision to you, Rafael. You don't want this, I'll back you up.  
  
_ Rafael felt a spike of sadness but he wasn't sure if it was his own or Sonny’s.  
_But you want this. You want me._

Rafael’s head filled with embarrassment and flares of desire. The memory of their touch came unbidden.

 _“What the hell, Barba!?” Sonny yelled as he pulled the man out of the street.  
_ _Rafael stumbled and Sonny’s hand moved to steady him. His warm hand wrapped around his neck, “Barba-”_

 _It was instantaneous. A spark that started at that first point of contact and exploded into his blood. His fingers and arms tingled. His legs wobbled beneath him. He’d have fallen on his ass if Sonny wasn’t holding him up.  
_ _Rafael gasped, air filling his lungs so quickly he felt lightheaded. Goosebumps erupted all over and he could feel Sonny’s fingertips stroking minutely at the base of his neck._

 _He felt Sonny’s warm breath against his skin and each exhalation felt like electricity.  
_ _He heard Sonny breathing deeply but at the same time he heard the younger man whispering, You’re my soulmate. My soulmate. I’ve waited so long- so long- you’ve gotta be careful. You're my soulmate. Please be careful. Please, please._

_Rafael understood then, that Sonny wasn’t speaking a word out loud, he could hear Sonny in his head. And if he let himself, he could fall deeply into their bond. Bury himself inside of Sonny. His head filled with Sonny’s happy, joyful agreement._

Rafael opened his eyes. The room was filled with sunlight. The clock by his bed read 7:21am.

He couldn't remember the last time he slept so deeply.   
Sonny was quiet in his head, but Rafael could still feel him there: content and comfortable. Sleeping. Rafael found himself wondering what the man was dreaming.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to keep the bond open. Rafael’s head didn’t hurt and his stomach felt just fine. He felt _great_ .  
  
Rafael didn't even feel the normal minor aches and pains he had long since gotten used to. His body seemed to be rewarding him for keeping their bond open. It definitely wasn't a bad reward, keeping the bond open clearly had its benefits.  He just wasn’t sure he wanted to keep their bond open as anything more than friends.  He didn’t think Sonny would object, the detective certainly _seemed_ to be supportive.  
Rafael withdrew himself from the bond slightly but not enough to bother Sonny while he slept. He readied himself for the day, batting the idea around.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sonny’s sleeping mind whispered warmth and comfort.   
  
While he ate breakfast, he felt Sonny’s mind spark into consciousness.  
Pleased, contented feelings.  
Satisfaction. And damn if that wasn't a hell of a feeling to experience in association with his self.

_Rafael?_

_Morning, Sonny. We need to talk._

A spark of worry. _Now?_

 _Don’t worry._ Rafael cautiously soothed the bond with feelings of amusement. Comfort.  
_It's not a bad thing. I think. We should speak face-to-face after work. We’ll get dinner, my treat._

 _Okay_. _Sure._ _I'll make sure I leave on time for once._

 _Let’s try to keep things quiet._ Rafael suggested, _But open. I don't think either one of us wants a repeat of yesterday's physical issues._

_Yeah, okay. Sounds good._

*

Thankfully, the day passed quickly for Sonny. No new cases came in so that left them time to complete reports and make a few visits to question people involved in currently open cases.  
He knew Olivia and Amanda were keeping a close eye on him throughout the day and knowing they were so concerned for both Sonny and Rafael was heartwarming for Sonny.

He couldn't hear Rafael’s every thought but he could feel when the man had an intense emotion. He felt a wave of deep enjoyment at one point and Sonny wondered what had sparked that. There was a bright explosion of triumph after lunch that caused Sonny to sit up, half expecting to see Rafael pop in out of thin air, shooting off fireworks.

As the end of the workday drew closer, there was a slowly growing feeling of nervousness and Sonny was surprised to realize it wasn't coming from himself. He knew because he could only feel happy at the prospect of seeing Rafael. His _soulmate_.

The older man had said that their talk wasn't a bad thing. Could he be willing to give Sonny a chance? Sonny considered other possibilities. What else could Rafael want to talk about, after all? Why would he be nervous?

The clock hit 5 o’clock and Sonny stood up to stretch. He made sure his files were neatly stacked, pertinent papers in their correct folders. He set his computer to shut off and pulled his suit coat off the back of his chair.  
“Gettin’ out of here early?” Amanda asked from her desk, a cautious smile on her face, “Big night?”  
Sonny returned her smile, “Gonna have dinner with Raf- uh, Barba. We’re gonna talk.”

Amanda nodded, “That’s good, Son. He’s not still pissed off?”

“No- well, we- we kinda talked last night. Mentally. He reached out first. Apologized.”  
“Wow.”  
“Right?” Sonny snorted, “I was surprised, too.”

“So, y’all are gonna have dinner, huh?”  
“To talk. Talk more. He, uh- he needs some time to think about what he wants to do next.”  
Amanda nodded slowly, “Alright. Okay. Well, Son, what do you want to do?”

Sonny smiled, “C’mon, Amanda. You know exactly what I want.”

The two chuckled softly.

“You’ve had your eye on him for a while, haven’t you?”   
Sonny ducked his head, “That obvious?”  
“It wasn’t obnoxious or nothin’, don’t worry. It’s cute. Barba lucked out with you, Sonny, I hope he realizes that. I hope _you_ know that.”

A feeling of interested curiosity snaked through his head and he turned to find Rafael standing in front of his desk, watching him.  
Sonny smiled and Rafael’s eyes widened at the genuine joy Sonny felt at seeing him.  
The older man cleared his throat, glancing away, “... Carisi.”  
“ _B_ _arba_. Figured you'd tell me when you got here… or, I guess text.”  
“I doubt texting will be necessary anymore. I had to drop off some files to Liv,” he waved a couple of manila folders in the air, “Give me a moment?”

Sonny nodded, “Yeah, of course. Take your time.”  
He resisted the urge to trail after the man like a puppy, happy that his owner had appeared.  
He watched the man disappear into Olivia’s office and then met Amanda’s eyes. She was grinning.   
  
“Shaddup.” Sonny rolled his eyes, causing Amanda to laugh before returning to her computer screen.

He fell back into his seat. Texting not required, Rafael had said. Not a bad thing? He wanted to keep the bond open.  
Sonny fought to keep himself quiet. _What did that mean, exactly?  
_ Could he actually be willing to try a full bonded relationship with Sonny? Or simply as friends?

It wasn't impossible, Sonny knew, there were plenty of people who decided to remain only friends with their soulmate. But, Sonny wondered, was it possible for himself?  
Could they be soulmates & friends? Could Sonny stand to feel when Barba would, eventually, be happy with _someone else_? Thrilled to see them. Admiring someone who was not Sonny? Having sex with them? The idea shook Sonny.

A flash of irrational anger flared up at this imaginary person who held Barba’s affections… _or_ was that person wholly in existence and that's why Barba was so resistant to Sonny?  
Sonny’s stomach shifted uneasily at the idea of _his_ soulmate with someone else. A lick of anger twisted in his guts for a moment before he managed to reign in his emotions.  
  
He shook his head, shamefully. No wonder Rafael never wanted a soulmate. Sonny didn't even know if Rafael wanted to remain co-workers, let alone friends or more. But here he was, angry about someone who may or may not even exist. Someone who was absolutely none of his business.

“What’s wrong?”  
Sonny didn't bother looking up, not wanting to see Rafael’s expression, “Nothing important.”

“It seems important. You felt pretty angry there.”  
Sonny frowned but didn’t deny it, “We can talk about it. Did you still wanna get dinner?”

The older man gave off a feeling of hesitant concern, like he didn't know if he wanted to talk to Sonny or make a run for the elevator.  
Sonny chanced a glance up at Rafael then. Rafael’s face was carefully blank, “I asked you, after all.” he reminded Sonny.

“Yeah. Well, I'm ready if you are.” Sonny stood up, “Where to? Need me to drive?”  
“We’re within walking distance, if you don't mind.”  
Sonny nodded and followed the man, uncharacteristically quiet. He carefully avoided Amanda’s curious gaze as they left.

The walk was brisk but not uncomfortable. The conversation was stilted and awkward, their shared emotions shifting with wariness and concern.  
Sonny couldn't help the laugh that startled out of him when Rafael lead him to a Mexican-Korean fusion restaurant.  
“I can honestly say I wasn't expecting this.”  
  
Rafael smiled, glancing into the windows of the building to see a busy dining room, “Liv told me about it. Said it was pretty good. I'm willing to try it out but if you want to go somewhere else…?”  
“Oh no, I love trying new things. I'm all kinds of excited to try,” Sonny squinted at the name over the doors, “Pico de Gayo. That’s supposed to be misspelled, right?”  
“Gayo, g-a-y-o is a Korean term. It’s a play on Mexican ‘pico de gallo, ’g-a-l-l-o.”  
“I think you mean _heh-ah-ehyeh-oh_.” Sonny corrected him.

Rafael chuckled, “Very good. Since when do you know Spanish?”  
“Enough to pass in High School. I remember the alphabet, numbers, how to greet, order food and drink, ask for the bathroom and how to mirandize.” Sonny smiled proudly. A thrill of warm pride danced up both their spines. “Guess I won't be able to hide my thoughts from you by thinking in Spanish.” Rafael led the younger man into the restaurant and approached the hostess stand, “Reservation for Barba.”

The girl behind the stand checked the tablet and nodded, “Follow me, gentlemen,” gesturing for them to follow.

“No worries, anything beyond that and I'll be good and lost.” Sonny assured him when they were seated. A waitress approached after a moment and the two men ordered drinks.

“So,” Sonny spoke up as they glanced at their menus, “You want to keep the bond open.”  
Rafael’s eyes jumped from his menu to Sonny’s face, “I think I've mentioned it a couple of times now.”  
“You've alluded to it but you haven't said it specifically, no.” Sonny continued staring determinedly at the names of dishes, the words devoid of meaning.

Rafael looked back at his menu, “Okay, you're not wrong. I would like to continue to keep the bond open.”  
“As friends.” Sonny remarked, shutting his menu, “ _Just_ friends.”  
“I suppose I wasn't successful in keeping my thoughts quiet enough.”  
“I didn't pull this from your head. You dropped plenty of clues. I am a detective, after all.”

“Here are your drinks, gentlemen. Are you ready to order?”

“A few more minutes, please.” Rafael murmured, glancing up at the waitress, “Thank you.”  
“I thought this would be an acceptable solution.” he continued in the same low voice, “I know you suggested severing the bond. I didn't think that's what you actually wanted.”  
“It’s _not_. I just- I realized you wanted to keep the bond open back at the squadroom. I still need time to-” Sonny frowned then took a long swallow of his beer, “I know I said I’ll back you and I _will_. Just- you can't expect me to be thrilled with the decision.”

Rafael regarded the younger man for a moment, “I understand.”  
“I don't want to sever the bond. I'm glad you don't want to sever it either.” Sonny assured him, “I was pretty worried.”

“I’m sorry.”  
Sonny shook his head, “You already apologized.”  
“No, I know. I'm apologizing for- disappointing you.” Rafael admitted. He sipped at his drink, “This whole situation has been unfair to you. You deserve to have the soulmate you want, Sonny.”

Sonny chuckled, “The irony.”  
“Which is?”  
The younger man grinned and picked up his menu, “I got the soulmate I wanted.”  
  
Rafael blinked owlishly at the man across the table, his stomach twisting.  
Sonny felt a wave of discomfort wash over him, “You don't gotta freak out, Raf, I'm just being honest.”  
“Right, no, I get it. I’m _not_ freaking out.”  
“You realize we share thoughts and emotions-”  
  
Rafael shot a glare at Sonny, clearly suggesting he abandon this line of reasoning. Sonny’s mouth snapped shut and he dropped his eyes, suddenly very interested in his menu, “So what’re you gonna get?”

“Let's get two orders of samgyupsal. Ever tried it?”  
Sonny shook his head.  
“It’s pork. You'll like it.”  
Sonny sipped from his drink. “I trust you,” he remarked in an offhand manner, glancing around the restaurant. He felt a pang of sorrow that quickly disappeared but wisely chose to ignore it.

The waitress made another pass to offer refills and Rafael ordered for them both, declining table service.

“That where they grill it in front of you?”  
“Yes, I figured we could do with fewer interruptions tonight.”  
“Sure. On that note… dating.”

“Sonny-”  
“Other people, _Barba_. Even I'm not dumb enough to miss the clues that you're not interested in dating me.”

Rafael sighed. He felt a wave of anxiety flow from Sonny and he watched the man shift uncomfortably in his chair.  
“Can I assume you're already seeing someone…?”  
“No, god, when would I even have time?” Rafael chuckled humorlessly, “I get home past ten most nights and it's a good night when I actually sleep in the bed. My coffee table has god-knows how many files on it and I usually end up falling asleep on my couch. Aside from that who am I even gonna meet? All day I talk to defense lawyers, criminals and the SVU.”

Sonny shifted again, frowning. Rafael could feel his hesitation.   
“Is this what you were angry about at the squadroom?”   
  
Sonny glanced upwards, giving Rafael a short nod when he met his eyes, “I don’t deal well with jealousy. If- _when_ you start seeing someone and I start experiencing all your feelings, I don’t know how I’m going to react to that.” He dropped his gaze and Rafael felt a swell of shame, tinged with embarrassment, “Probably not in a good way.”   
  
Rafael considered this admission, “You were angry because you thought I was already seeing someone else.”  
Sonny stared at his hands, “I swear I’m not trying to be an asshole. I don’t _want_ to be angry- it’s just-” his face tightened. Rafael felt anger flare up, a hard pit in his stomach.  
“Even thinking about you and- and someone else.” He shook his head and clenched his hands, his knuckles going white.   
  
Rafael was surprised to realize that he didn’t feel unsafe at witnessing Sonny’s anger. Instead he felt oddly angry on Sonny’s behalf. But to who? Himself? Someone who might exist in the future?   
“I-”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Sonny took a deep breath, “I think I should talk to someone, a therapist or something, to help me deal with this. It’s wrong of me to feel like this.”  
“Wrong? I’m the one that’s going against nature here-”   
A sharp sting of sadness cut off Rafael’s words, “Rafael, no.”

The waitress chose that moment to reappear with their food and the two men quieted to allow her to settle their plates.   
Sonny’s emotions whirled and Rafael found he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what the man was feeling. He wasn’t sure what it meant that Sonny continued to meet his eyes.  \  
  
When she disappeared, Sonny leaned across the table, “You have every right to refuse or accept a bond. It’s _my_ problem that I’m getting angry over a choice you haven’t even made yet. That’s my issue, not yours. I’ll talk to the Lieu, I’m sure she knows people who deal with soulmates who agree to remain friendly while in other romantic relationships. Alright?”   
  
Rafael nodded, slowly, “Right.”  
He stared at the younger man across the table in wonder and repeated himself, “Right.”

“You finally agreein’ with me? What a shock,” Sonny smiled, gently reaching towards Rafael with a warm feeling of pleased contentment, “Now this looks amazin’ but I have no idea what any of this so how about you teach me how to eat this?”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think, the comments - they give me strength


	4. Chapter 4

Sonny, true to his word, spoke to Olivia about a therapist who had experience with soulmates who weren’t romantically involved. Rafael watched in silent amazement as Sonny made every effort to deal with their situation in a reasonable and respectful manner. 

His own parents had been soulmates and Rafael thought he’d never see a more dysfunctional arrangement. Movies and music sang about soulmates as though they were the most amazing experience. Perfection. The one person in the world who loved you and cherished you no matter what.

Soulmates weren’t supposed to slap their spouse across the mouth.    
Soulmates weren’t supposed to breathe threats and insults to their spouse, then backhand Rafael when he dared to defend his mother.

Rafael swore to himself he’d never allow himself to find his soulmate. After all, his father’s blood coursed through his veins. The idea that he could find himself in a relationship like his parents was awful but worse still was the idea that he would find himself acting like his father if he did find his soulmate.

When they met Rafael had been curious about Sonny’s obvious desire to meet his soulmate. Perhaps his own parents were soulmates and they had had a storybook romance?

Shortly after they met Rafael caught himself wondering what kind of man Sonny would be as a soulmate. His demeanor as a detective and a colleague was pleasant - annoying at times, sure, but he was eager to learn and help. He wanted to help people, that much was obvious.

He was giving, Rafael knew, recalling the pastries Sonny brought with him his first few days.  

Rafael assumed Sonny would be overbearing as a soulmate.  
Craving all of his soulmate’s attention. Needy. Undoubtedly, he’d also be more than willing to devote any spare moment to his soulmate. The idea of being someone’s intense focus made Rafael’s skin crawl so he was pleasantly surprised at Sonny’s calm behavior towards their bond.  

Was it perfect? Not at all.  
But it was better than Rafael could’ve imagined.

They were friendly. Rafael knew Sonny was making the endeavor to keep things flowing easily. He found he was touched by the effort. Even their telepathic interaction was comfortable. After they agreed to be friends, communication was stilted and awkward. But stiff small chat soon blossomed into gentle greetings and warm acknowledgement. Then into real conversations.   

And Rafael began to think that maybe… perhaps it was a good thing that he’d found his soulmate in Sonny Carisi.

*

“Tell me how you’re feeling.”  
Sonny shrugged, “Fine, I guess.”

“Therapy good?”  
“Can’t complain. Nice guy. He’s been real helpful.”

Amanda nodded, sagely, “You and Barba ok?”  
“I think we’re doing okay.” Sonny smiled at his partner in the passenger seat. They drove through the city on their way to pick up a suspect for questioning, “Worried about me, ‘Manda?”

“Of course I am. When y'all learned you were soulmates, I thought Barba was gonna have an aneurysm. With the way he was acting, I thought _you_ were gonna shrivel up and die.”  
Sonny scoffed, “Give me some credit, please. I'm not completely pathetic.”

“I didn't mean you were. I got an ex, back in Georgia, whose cousin lost her soulmate. Josie - she was a great lady. Independent & funny as hell, she could make anyone laugh. Then she found her soulmate but the woman was already married. She acted like she hated Josie for being her soulmate instead of her husband. Josie… it was like her soul dried up.”

Sonny’s stomach clenched, remembering how painful it felt when Rafael rejected him. 

“The lady demanded they sever their soulbond and Josie agreed but after that, she wasn’t the same. She died a couple of years ago, she was only 42. I’ve seen a bad soulbond, Sonny, dying from one didn’t make Josie pathetic. Just heartbroken.”  
“Dying because of a soulbond sever is just a myth.” Sonny murmured.   
“I misspoke,” Amanda agreed, “She died due to cancer but i’ll tell you what, it took her quick because she didn’t have the will to fight it. After her soulmate broke her heart, Josie just wasn’t herself anymore. I was… scared that you’d end up the same way.”

“Well, I’m fine. I’m sorry to hear about your friend, your ex’s cousin, but  _ I’m _ fine.”

“Good. I'm glad. Remember, Son, you deserve to be happy, too. Not just Barba. Even though he's your soulmate, it doesn't mean your happiness, or even your worth, hinges on him.”

Sonny sighed, “I know that.” He glanced sideways at his partner and cracked a smile, “I do know that. That's a lot of what me and Dr. Winthorpe’s been talking about. At first, I thought I just gotta give Rafael space and he'll come around. How could he not? Look'it me.” he gestured to himself and smirked.

Amanda grinned, “At first? Something changed?”  
“Kinda,” he shrugged, “I guess it finally got through to me: he may never be ready for a soulmate and I can't sit and wait for him _forever_. He made it pretty clear that keeping our bond open was purely as friends so I gotta trust he’s being honest with me.”

“Alright… so what next?”

“I dunno, just keep doing what I'm doing, working, living. If I end up meeting someone, then great. If not? Well, oh well. I still got time.”

-

Then one cold rainy day, Rafael sat in his office, reading over the sixth mind-numbing motion that John Buchanan sent over. 

He felt a stir of attraction flutter in his stomach and lifted his head in confusion.

Rafael tossed the legal document on his desk and shook his head. The feeling was coming from Sonny but there was no other flicker of acknowledgement coming from the man. A trill of amusement, warm and pleased, tickled the back of Rafael’s mind and it hit him. Sonny was reacting to someone else.

Rafael felt a sudden sharp stab of hurt. The shock of it jostled Sonny who immediately reached out,  _ Rafael, are you okay? _

Concerned worry drifted into Rafael’s head and settled like a fog.  
 _I’m fine_. _Bumped into my desk, that’s all._ Rafael lied, _No worries_. He pushed away from the bond. _Why pain?_ He wondered.

Sonny was attracted to someone who wasn’t Rafael. That wasn’t wrong of Sonny. After all, that was what Rafael wanted: Sonny to focus on someone else so Rafael didn't have to deal with the cons of having a soulmate he didn't want.

Sonny pushed gently back into his thoughts,  _ You can talk to me.  
_ _ I'm fine and more importantly, I'm busy.  _ Rafael snapped back,  _ Please don't bother me.  _ He sent Sonny a wave of annoyance.

A creeping feeling of hesitation curled in his stomach before Sonny responded,  _ Okay. Sorry.  
_ Immediately Rafael sent a wave of regret,  _ Don't apologize. I'm just... frustrated with work. Don't worry. Don't worry. _

-

Sonny worried. Telling Sonny not to worry was like telling the sun not to rise. It's gonna happen whether you like it or not.

“Are you okay?”

Sonny blinked in confusion before remembering where he was, “Yeah, uhm… I’m fine. Listen, this rain isn't letting up - you should take my umbrella. I'm 10 minutes away if I run.” he held the grip of the umbrella out to the woman beside him who chuckled, “If you get sick, I'll feel awful!”

Sonny came from the west as the rain caught him with his umbrella still tightly wrapped and the woman from the east shielding her head with a newspaper. They were both damp with rain.  
He gestured to the downpour surrounding every side of the awning they took cover under.   
“What kind of jerk would I be if I strolled off with my umbrella and left you here to swim home with nothing but a copy of the New York Times as a shield? My mother would feel it in her bones and reach through time and space to slap me upside my head.”

She laughed, reaching for the handle, “If you're sure.” her bare fingers were cool against his and she cocked her head to one side and sighed.  
  
Sonny smiled guiltily, “Sorry- I should've said.”  
She shook her head, “I didn't see a ring but I shouldn't have assumed anything.”  
“We’re strictly friends.” Sonny explained, “My soulmate and I.”

“Wow. That's good. Already married?”  
“Nah, we’re both single but he's not interested.”  
“Is he blind?” she blurted out.  
Sonny barked out a laugh, “Definitely not.”

“I’m sorry, that was rude of me. It’s none of my business-” She extending her hand, “I'm Nora.”  
“Dominick Carisi, Jr but please, call me Sonny. And honestly, don’t feel bad. He’s said much worse things about me. He can take a few jabs.” he took her hand and shook, still smiling.

Nora grinned, “So he’s got bad taste. Gotcha. Well, his bad taste is my good luck. Sonny, can I treat you to coffee… as thanks for the umbrella?” Nora bit her lip, looking hopeful.  
“Would you mind if I took a rain check? I'm on duty and I gotta get back to work but maybe uhh- Saturday?”  
Nora graced him with a wide, gorgeous smile, “Saturday at 11am? We can meet here, there's a great bakery four blocks north-”  
“Yeah! _Samorini’s_! I love that place! I can meet you there instead?”  
“Sounds perfect. I'll see you Saturday.” She opened the umbrella and stepped out into the rain, smiling over her shoulder.

Sonny waved goodbye, watching Nora until she turned a corner and disappeared.  
He realized he was still smiling, a warm glow of feeling attractive and pleased enveloping him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter tonight as we begin to wind down. 
> 
> fear not, i am still working on this. I should be able to post the next chapter next sunday as normal
> 
> don't hesitate to comment and tell me what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

Saturday morning found Sonny and Nora appearing at the bakery at 10:30 am, both chuckling when they realized they arrived early. 

“I'll be honest, I have no idea what anything is,” Nora admitted when Sonny asked what she was interested in ordering, “So far, everything I've tried has been amazing though.”  
“Allergic to anything?”  
“Nah, well, I'm lactose intolerant but I'm not about to let that stop me.”  
Sonny laughed, “I'll choose something good, yeah? How do you take your coffee?”

“I hope you won’t judge me too harshly, but I’ll take a mocha latte.”  
Sonny grinned, “Hey, I got a sweet tooth, I’m not one to judge.”  
“Thank you but please, don’t tell anyone or else I’ll lose my street cred.”  
“I’m honored you’re already trusting me with your secrets.”  

Sonny went to the order line to wait and glanced back at the young woman waiting for him. Nora was surprisingly tall, meeting his eyes without having to crane her neck uncomfortably. She was dark-skinned, wide-eyed and beautiful. Sonny wondered who her soulmate would be and when she would meet them. Or if she’d ever meet them.

Nora, self-consciously, patted her soft natural hair down. Her outfit was carefully chosen, a brightly colored sundress and sandals.   
Sonny thought she reminded him a little bit of Rafael’s assistant, Carmen. Her color-choice, a little bit of Rafael. 

When he returned to their table, Nora happily accepted her drink and gestured towards Sonny’s cup, “What’re you having?”  
“Black with sugar. Don’t be impressed - it’s all they have at the station and I got used to it.”

“So, you work at a station, on duty. Cop?”  
“Detective.”   
“Wow. I know nothing about police officers, I’m sorry. Detective is good, I think. From what I remember from movies.”  
  
Sonny shrugged, “It’s alright. It can be rough, I work for the Special Victims Unit.”  
“Oh. That’s sex crimes, isn’t it?”  
“Mostly, also crimes involving children.”  
Nora nodded, wide-eyed, “I can’t even imagine the kind of stress that would be. I cried when I dropped a plate of spaghetti two weeks ago.”

Sonny snorted into his cup and Nora shook her head, “In my defense, it was really good. My dog was really happy about the whole situation.” 

“That is an awful loss, I am so sorry.”

“Thank you, I honestly don’t mean to make stupid jokes about your work. I’m sorry.”   
“Don’t be. It sucks to admit it but sometimes you have to desensitize yourself to a lot of the work otherwise, you know, how could anyone keep going? I won’t give you any details but there are a lot of things I wish I could forget. So, you know, enough about that. What about you?”

“I’m a librarian. New York Public Library system out in Washington Heights.”  
“A book lover?”  
“It was a good way to escape my boring everyday life. Walk into a fantasy.”  
  
Sonny took another sip of his coffee and his stomach immediately shifted.   
He made a face and jerked the cup away from himself.  
“Something wrong?”    
  
“No…” He glared into the cup, “Sorry. You were saying?” 

“Just agreeing with you - I’m a bookworm.”  
“Maybe you can give me some recommendations. I have no idea what’s currently out and more importantly, what would be a waste of my time.”   
“Sure! You’ve come to the right place. What’re you interested in? Would it be super cliche to suggest mysteries?” 

“Of course not, I’m a Detective. I gotta keep honing my detecting skills.” Sonny’s stomach lurched and he took a deep breath.  _ They put something in my coffee? _

_ No, sorry. It’s me. _

*

It wasn’t a lie.

Rafael felt nauseated. Sonny was on a date, that much was obvious. During a brief chat, Sonny mentioned he had met someone.

Rafael, having already figured that out, said, “That’s great.” And then excused himself to go to bed. He had gently pulled away from the bond and took a couple of Pepto-Bismol pills to stave off the bouts of nausea that kept popping up whenever he thought of, or talked to, Sonny.

That was two days ago.  
Now Sonny was on a date and Rafael was six Peptos deep.

*

Rafael had woken up late and lounged in bed before he got up to shower. Afterwards he prepared a simple breakfast of eggs on toast, bacon, and coffee. As the bacon sizzled in the pan, he started up his tablet and began to peruse the latest news stories.

Sonny hummed in the back of his head, warm and happy. There was a distant feeling of excitement.  
Rafael read over the latest viral fiasco and the uproar over the response the President tweeted out.

Sonny continued the gentle flow of pleasant emotions.  

Rafael checked his phone as he ate and sent a few texts and emails.

Sonny’s emotions churned a little faster but Rafael brushed it off. The younger man could’ve been enjoying a particularly tasty pastry.  

A trill of amusement sparked up Rafael’s spine and it dawned on Rafael that Sonny mentioned he’d met someone for a reason. Perhaps to tell Rafael that he’d be seeing them.   
The odd pleasure at feeling Sonny’s happiness and the hurt from knowing it was a result of someone else made Rafael’s stomach sour. His breakfast seemed to curdle.

Sonny kept sending out these warm, happy vibes and Rafael sank deeper into nausea. He popped the Pepto Bismol pills and pulled away from the bond.  
He felt Sonny react.  

When Sonny became confused, Rafael couldn’t help but speak up.

_  
- _

_  
What’s wrong? Are you okay? _

Rafael considered ignoring the question and continuing to push away from the bond.   
_No… It’s not... Don’t worry about it.  
_  
A range of emotions flowed from Sonny: concerned worry, anxiety, confusion and a tiny spark of exasperation.  
 __Are you sure?

_ I feel like shit, alright? Sorry it’s ruining your Saturday morning. I’ll try to suffer more quietly. _ Rafael snapped. His stomach churned violently and he groaned audibly. So much for a calm Saturday in. 

*

Sonny stood up from his chair before his brain caught up to his body.

Nora gave him a sympathetic smile, “Reschedule?”  
“I- I’m sorry,” Sonny sighed, “I didn’t mean to go silent and creepy on you like that.”  
“It was a little creepy, I’ll admit. Your eyes go unfocused and you look kinda high.” Nora grinned, “Is everything okay? I’m guessing the silent act is a result of the soulbond.” 

“Only if emotion is sorta high.” Sonny explained, “Usually I can multitask but Rafael is feeling sick this morning. I… uh… I think I should go check on him.”  
“Yeah, no problem. We can reschedule.”   
“Definitely!” Sonny pulled his phone out and opened his contact list to add a new contact, “Here ya’ go, type it in and I’ll send you a text so you’ll have mine.” 

As Nora typed in her number, Sonny realized he felt clammy. He’d broken out into a cold sweat. Nora handed him back his phone, giving him a surprised look when she caught his eye, “You don’t look so good.”  
“Rafael.” Sonny breathed, “I better go. Listen, I really enjoyed what little time we had today. I’ll text you soon. I’m really sorry.”  
“I look forward to it, go! Poor guy must really be sick, I hope he’s okay!” 

*

Sonny hailed a cab and tipped the driver extra to stop at a bodega on the way and wait for him. He picked up a couple of different medicines for nausea and a few ingredients to make a quick soup that always helped him feel better when his stomach was bad.

He made it to Rafael’s apartment building half an hour after he left Nora.

Sonny gently prodded the bond,  _ I’m outside your building. I’m headed up. _

_ What? Why? _

Sonny rolled his eyes,  _ Because you sounded like you were having so much fun. I brought nausea medicine. _

_ Weren’t you busy? I thought you were… out. _

_ I am out _ . Sonny agreed,  _ Outside your apartment building. Buzz me in. _

Sonny walked up to the entrance and waited. He frowned at the door for a moment until, finally, the door buzzed and unlocked.   
When he made it to Rafael’s door, he knocked.  
No answer. Not even footsteps to indicate Rafael was approaching.

_ Rafael. _

Sonny could still feel Rafael suffering but no reply. He knocked again, louder.  
Nothing.

Sonny scoffed,  _ Are you kidding me?  
_ He grabbed the knob and twisted and the door sprang open. 

“Figured it out, huh?” Rafael called from the couch.  
Sonny sighed and walked in, closing the door behind him, “You could’ve just said you opened your door.”   
“You invited yourself over, Sonny. What do you want?” Rafael radiated annoyance.  
“For you to stop torturing yourself. And me.” He added the last part under his breath. 

A spike of anger laced with hurt.  
Rafael twisted where he sat to glare at Sonny, “We wouldn’t even be in this situation if _you_ -”  
“Yeah, yeah, get a new argument, Rafael.” Sonny waved him silent, “I brought you medicine.” He walked over to the coffee table and set down a brown paper bag, “Stuff for your stomach and stuff for headaches, since you seem so intent on adding onto your suffering by rejecting the bond.” 

Rafael slumped back on his couch and covered his eyes with his arm, “Great. Thanks for the  _ stuff _ .”  
“I also brought some stuff to make you soup. Pretty sure you barfed up your breakfast at some point, let me tell you, that was rough to hang on to in the cab on the way over but I got a pretty strong stomach.”   
Rafael groaned, “Soup?”

Sonny moved to the kitchen and began pulling items from the other bags, “Soup, yeah, whenever I’m nauseous I always need something with salt. Helps settle the stomach. My sisters all swear by this soup, alright? Craved it day and night when they were preggo. Bella, she had morning sickness all nine months of her pregnancy, you remember her, right?”

Rafael grunted in affirmative. A wave of tired acceptance washed over Sonny. 

“Was it something you ate?”  
“No.” Rafael immediately replied, “I don’t know. I don’t… think so.”   
“Alright. Well, hopefully, the soup will help.”  

Sonny asked where a few items were: pots, cutting board, potato peeler.  
As the soup simmered, Sonny washed the items he used. He curiously noted how they were all well-made but also, well-used.

Sonny served a bowl and set it on the small dining table Rafael had. “Soup’s up, Rafael. C’mon.”  
Rafael glanced back at Sonny. He followed his direction and went to the table. “It smells good.”   
“Promise it tastes good, too.”

Sonny sat down beside him with his own bowl, “Did you take anything before? Or do you wanna take some medicine after you eat?”  
“Took some, yeah but I’m almost out. I’m… starting to feel better anyway.”   
“Yeah? Haven’t even tasted the soup.” 

Rafael chuckled, leaning down to eat a spoonful. “Oh. It’s good.”  
“You sound surprised.” Sonny grinned.  
“No. It’s good. Is that cayenne pepper?” Rafael took another spoonful, “It’s very good. You’ll have to give me the recipe.”   
“I can. I can just make it for you again, too. It’s just bastard soup. Whatever you got to go in, it’ll go. Chicken, potato, celery, carrots, peas, onion, garlic. Salt and pepper, bay leaf, bit of basil and cayenne.” 

“Thank you.”  
“Yeah, no prob, I’ll write it down.”

“No- I mean, that’s fine. I meant- thank you for coming. You didn’t have to. I’m sure you had more important things to do than come here and nurse me back to health.”  
“Hey, nothing that couldn’t be rescheduled. I wanted to come. I’m happy you’re feeling better.” Sonny assured the older man.

“You mean you’re happy you’re not being forced to suffer alongside me.”  
“I mean, I’m happy when you feel good, Rafael.” Sonny reached out with the bond and Rafael could feel that it was true. Sonny was pleased that Rafael was responding well to his efforts. Sonny felt satisfied. 

Rafael smiled, the feeling of being cared for by someone who was genuinely concerned warming him more than the soup.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still goin'. Comments help me proceed forward :3


	6. Chapter 6

“I’m- _so_ sorry.”

Nora laughed and Sonny could picture her smiling face, “I know, Sonny. You don’t have to keep apologizing.”    
“Yes, I do. I’m acting like a major asshole.”  
“No. Caring for your soulmate does not make you an asshole.” Nora assured him, “Him suddenly needing your help every single time we have plans? Kinda makes him an asshole.”

“And I come running.”

“I don’t know your relationship with Rafael. I know you told me that he’s the one who isn’t interested in you romantically but…” She hesitated.  
Sonny, unthinkingly, leaned in closer to his phone, “... but?”  
“I don’t think he’s as disinterested as he claims to be.”

“He was pretty adamant about how we can only be friends.”

“Sounds kind of like a blow-hard.” Nora sighed, “But, I really can’t make any kind of judgment on him. _You_ know him, Sonny. You share his thoughts. Maybe you should talk to him… before you decide to start seeing other people. I- I like you a lot, Sonny but I really can’t be stuck in the middle of something like this.”

Sonny’s shoulders slumped and he exhaled slowly, “Yeah… I figured.”  
“It’s okay, Sonny. I think you and Rafael can figure it out. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”  
Nora snorted, “If I recall correctly, you told me you had a soulmate you were strictly friends with and I asked you out. I had an idea of what I could be walking into.”  
“Yeah but…”  
“Sonny, seriously. Stop apologizing to me about decisions I made. I’m a big girl and I lived 30-mumble years without you, I think I can probably manage on my own again.”

“For the record, I still feel like a tool.”

“Well, that’s alright. I still don’t think you’re the one in the wrong here but you’re welcome to feel sorry for me. I accept apology gifts in the form of pastries and really nice shoes.”

*

Try as he might, Sonny couldn’t stop radiating feelings of annoyance and irritation.

_Something the matter, Sonny?_

_I’m fine._ Sonny shifted uncomfortably in his seat. _I’m almost there._

_You seem annoyed. What’s the problem?_

Sonny realized he was grinding his teeth, _We’ll talk when I get there._

He pushed away from the bond enough to make Rafael uncomfortable.  
It wasn’t so much anger as it was feeling hurt. If Nora was right and Rafael had feelings for him, why didn’t he just say so instead of jerking Sonny around?

-

When Sonny arrived at Rafael’s apartment he didn’t even have to knock before the man pulled the door open.  
“Are you gonna tell me what’s up now or what?”

Sonny sighed, “Yeah, can I come in?”  
“I invited you over, Carisi. Did you forget?” Rafael walked away from the door, an air of nonchalance about him. If Sonny wasn’t wired directly to his emotions, he’d believe the man had no worry.

Sonny shut the door behind himself and locked it, by way of habit. Rafael nursed a simmering pit of anxious curiosity from where he sat behind several case files and books on his coffee table. Sonny gestured to the stacks of paper, “This is your emergency.”

“I believe I said something like, ‘I could use some help if you’re available.’” Rafael crossed his arms, “I didn’t twist your arm.”  
“Not physically, no. You said, ‘I need your help. Can you come over soon?’ These are two different statements, Rafael.”  
“ _Statements_.” Rafael repeated, narrowing his eyes, “Are you interrogating me? God, just spit it out before I get a shiny new ulcer.”

“Nora thinks you’re not being honest with me.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Oh, _Nora_ thinks that about me? That makes perfect sense seeing as I’ve met her all of- oh yes, never. But by all means, trust her expertise concerning me. Just what am I being _dishonest_ about?”

“Every single time I have plans with Nora, you suddenly need something. You felt ill, you needed a ride and your uber app wasn’t working, you felt ill again, then you needed help getting heavy packages up to your apartment. Now you need help with, what exactly? Research?”

“Wow. God forbid I ever need help.” Rafael sneered, voice dripping with sarcasm, “What an awful person I am, needing help and asking for it. Gosh, I ought to go straight to hell.”  
“Rafael.”  
“Is that what _Nora_ thinks? That I’m some kind of asshole who barks at you to appear at my side and… what does that make you? The idiot dog who keeps coming back?”  
“Raf-”  
“As I recall, that first time I felt ill, _you_ came running, soup in hand. You never once refused to come over and help when I actually started asking. Just like magic, you’d be at my door. How could I have _ever_ thought that you didn’t mind helping me?” Rafael stood up slowly, “If you hate it so much, then leave.”

“Stop putting words in my mouth. Listen, you’re not wrong. I did come running because I do want to help you. I _don’t mind_ helping you and doing things to make things easier for you or to make you happier. But I’ve never once lied about how _I_ feel about _you_. If you think you have feelings for me, Rafael, be honest with me. Stop jerking me around just because you feel jealous.”

“ _Jealous_?”

“Mouth moving, I'm still talking! If you don’t want me, fine. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna sit at home pining for you or waiting for you to decide you want to use me today. There is someone out there who likes me and isn’t afraid to tell me so.”  
“ _Afraid_? You think I’m _afraid_?”

“Yeah, I do. You keep forgetting that I’m _hardwired_ to your emotions. Underneath all that self-righteous indignation you got going on there,” Sonny gestured to Rafael’s chest, “There’s a heavy dose of fear.”

“You’re seeing things _you_ want to see! Get over yourself, Carisi! How many times do I need to reject you before it sticks?”

Sonny’s face twitched. What had been a swirling vortex of hurt and anger coming from him seemed to internally explode into bitter humiliated pain and Rafael felt himself step backwards.  
Sonny’s mouth twisted and he seemed to physically bite his cheek to keep from speaking. He straightened his back, his face smoothing into something impassive and peered down his nose at the shorter man.

They stared at each other for a long moment before Sonny turned, walked out and slammed the door behind him.  
The sound knocked Rafael from his shock and he slumped onto his couch. His stomach shifted dangerously and he had the distinct feeling he was going to regret those words.

*

Three days later and Rafael was googling homeopathic remedies to Soulbond Rejection. Modern medicine didn’t seem to work beyond an hour or two. He was ready to light candles and chant if it meant he’d find some longer-lasting relief to the torture Sonny was putting him through.

 _That’s not fair_. He knew. His parting words to Sonny had been spat out with every intent to hurt him as cruelly as Rafael could manage. Even a dog would bite their master if they were provoked.

Now he was good and bitten and Rafael could really only blame himself. The worst part about it all was that Sonny was right. Rafael _had_ kept Sonny dangling on a line - go away when I don’t want you, come back here because someone else wants you. Rafael expected he’d have time to slowly dissect his burgeoning feelings for Sonny and see if he really was worth Rafael’s time, all the while, Sonny was bending over backwards and proving he was over and over.

Having Sonny point it out to him and openly confront him about it had panicked him. _How dare Sonny figure it out and worse! His new girlfriend_!

Rafael wanted to hate the woman but he knew full well it was only because he was jealous, plain and simple. And of what? Because Sonny liked her?  
He’d made it very clear that he wanted to be soul-bound to Rafael and would have been over the moon if Rafael had wanted to be involved romantically.

Rafael stared at his computer screen morosely, knowing the only real remedy he could get would involve talking to Sonny like a goddamn adult.

But Sonny had pushed the bond away so severely, Rafael knew he had to be suffering as much as he was. How he was managing to continue to work, Rafael had no idea. He hadn’t received any kind of communication from Sonny since their argument.

In fact, the only thing he’d heard from SVU had been the day before when he’d received a call from Rollins to get a warrant for a Sergeant Tom Cole.

Rafael nearly fainted chasing down a judge to get it signed off and realized he’d be in awful shape for his court appearances this morning. After getting SVU their warrant, he called around to his fellow ADAs and managed to get an experienced one to help him co-counsel.

Rafael tentatively reached out to Sonny but felt stony silence with the barest hint of anxiety. The case with Sergeant Cole was undoubtedly stressful, what with the evidence he’d shown the judge for the warrant. He hoped they’d find the young woman involved, Quinn, quickly, and they would bring in Sergeant Cole before anything worse happened.

For now, however, Rafael needed to focus on the case at hand. He’d stayed seated during the morning half of his court appearance but in just a few minutes, their recess for lunch would be over and he’d be taking over questioning from then.

He clicked through a few more homeopathic remedy suggestions, dismissing most of them as general quackery and bookmarked a few pages for later.

He’d managed to choke down a sandwich for lunch and took a generous swig of Pepto, so his stomach seemed to be somewhat settled down for the time being. Rafael made his way back to the courtroom and settled down in is seat, peering over his papers to prepare for the next round of questioning. Sonny’s emotions remained mostly blocked with small tendrils of worry and nervousness snaking out through the cracks. Rafael took a deep breath and sent over waves of concern and reassurance but received no indication that Sonny had noticed.

The buzz in the courtroom heightened as everyone appeared and then dropped to silence when the bailiff lead in the jury and shortly there-after, the Judge.

As she sat down, the Judge motioned to Rafael, “I do believe the witness is yours, Mr. Barba.”  
“Yes, your Honor,” He stood up, “Ms. Caflan, do you recall that when detectives questioned you, you claimed you hadn’t spoken to your ex-husband in 3 months, is that correct?”  
“Yes, that’s what I’d remembered.”  
“That wasn’t true, was it? You’d spoken to him only the week before, hadn’t you?”  
“I did but- for like, one whole minute. I completely forgot about it.”

Rafael felt his palms sweat. His heart pounded in his chest.  
He shook his head, _Sonny? What's wrong?_

“Mr. Barba?”  
“Ah, excuse me, your Honor, my apologies. Ms. Caflan, what, uh, what did you two speak about?” Rafael exhaled noisily.

Something was wrong.

“He called me and asked me if I’d heard from our mutual friend, Jimmy. We used to date for a little bit, me and Jimmy. A couple of years after me and Georgie got divorced. It was very amicable.” Ms. Caflan blinked at Rafael, “Are you okay…?”

Rafael shuddered. He had felt Sonny’s heart-rate speed up, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Rafael forced himself to breath slowly and evenly, “Yes, I-” he choked on his words. A wave of terror washed over him as he felt the press of something invisible, cold, and metallic against his forehead

 _SONNY_?

 _Okay_. _Don’t do this. I’m a cop, just like you_. _It doesn’t have to end like this._

Rafael staggered, “I- I-”  
“Barba-” ADA Jeremy Go, his co-counsel, called out from their table, “I think it’s his soulmate-”  
“Mr. Barba, sit down- bailiff, help him!”

 _Raf, I’m sorry. I don’t want to die._  

 _Die? What’s wrong, Sonny, what’s going on? You can’t die, you can’t leave me!  
_ A shot rang out as loud in Rafael’s head as if someone pulled the trigger beside his ear. He screamed once, the stench of blood in his nose, before collapsing into the arms of the bailiff.

*

“Need me to drop you off at your place?” Olivia’s voice cut through Sonny’s thoughts.

“I think I should head to the station… burn these clothes there.” The drive back to New York was mercifully short. He and the Lieutenant hadn’t made much small talk as they both thought about the death of Sergeant Tom Cole.  
Olivia managed something like a smirk, glancing at Sonny for a moment before turning her eyes back to the road, “... how are you doing?”

Sonny stared out at the cars around them. It had been a few hours ago but he could still feel the muzzle of the gun pressing against his forehead. His heart felt strained for how hard it had pounded in his chest.  
He couldn’t help but think about how if the Lieutenant had been just seconds slower, he’d be dead on Cole’s brother’s attic floor right now.

“I don’t know.” Sonny answered honestly, “I feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin.”

Olivia started speaking but Sonny suddenly remembered what his last thoughts were before he thought he was dead. He’d spoken to Rafael.

“-counseling.”   
“Counselor?” Sonny repeated.  
“Yeah, I realize you didn’t discharge your gun but you were in an extremely stressful situation. I’m gonna give you a few names - there’s some real good ones on the NYPD payroll, so give ‘em a call. This isn’t an option, Carisi.”

“No-”  
“What? I just said-”  
“No, I mean- yeah. I mean- you said- Barba. I- I need to check on Barba.”  
“I never said Barba…” Olivia lifted her eyebrow at the young man, “But… by all means, give him a call.”

Sonny was already dialing but the phone only rang before voicemail picked up.  
“This is Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba, leave a message.”  
“It’s me, Raf- are you okay? I- he’s not picking up, Lieu, can you take me to 1 Hogan…?”    
“Carisi, you’re still covered in blood.”

“I spoke to Barba before Cole- when you- he has no idea what happened-”

_I think I figured it out._

Sonny sagged in his seat, “Oh my god, he’s alright-”  
_You are alright, right? I didn’t mean to- drag you into that._

Beside him, Olivia breathed a sigh of relief.

 _Don’t apologize, Sonny. I’m… fine enough. Where are you?_ Rafael sent a gentle wave of something like reassurance tinged with incredulous amusement.

 _Driving back from Jersey, we’re close to the station_.

 _Good. Go to the station, I’ll see you there_.

*

Sonny hardly waited for the car to stop before he was out of his seat and booking it upstairs to the bullpen.

Rafael sat at his desk, looking at the different things there. Files. A framed photograph of his sisters and himself when they were kids and one of his parents at, what looked like, a party.  
“Raf.”  
Rafael stood up as Sonny approached. His eyes immediately focused on the stray streaks of blood Sonny knew he’d missed when he’d tried to clean himself up. Rafael exhaled roughly, “You’re okay.”

Sonny felt a weight fall from him. He knew Rafael felt the same thing. Seeing each other and being assured of their safety was a relief for them both.  
But even with the assurance of Rafael’s well-being, Sonny felt himself deflate.  
He smiled tremulously at the older man before his face fell and he dragged in a ragged breath, “Raf- I don’t think I’m okay.”

Immediately Rafael was pulling him into his arms and Sonny could feel him trembling, “Me either, Sonny.”

-

When they had calmed down some, Rafael had asked Olivia to drive them to his place. She agreed and made sure Rafael had the names and numbers of the counselors she’d recommended.

Rafael laid out some warm, comfy clothes for Sonny while he showered the rest of the blood away. He pulled out a tin of special reserve cocoa he jokingly told his mother was saved for when the Pope visited and made two large mugs. He ordered pizza and lasagna from a great Italian place that Sonny had recommended once. It was a bit far but Rafael offered extra for delivery.  
When Sonny was dressed, Rafael bundled the man up in a thick blanket and gave him a mug of cocoa. He took a quick shower himself and pulled on more comfy clothes just in time to let the delivery guy up. Sonny sipped from his mug and stared at the TV which played Mickey Mouse animated shorts from YouTube.

“Is that Constantino’s I smell?” Sonny murmured when Rafael set out plates and plastic forks on the coffee table. His first words since they’d arrived at Rafael’s apartment.  
“Can you really smell a difference or do you just know the delivery guy?”  
Sonny looked up at the older man and smiled, “I’ll never tell.”

Rafael grinned, “How’s the cocoa?”  
“Delicious, thank you.”  
“Up to eating?”

Sonny nodded slowly, “Yeah… hungrier than I’ve been in a while.”  
“Same here. Which is a major relief. I thought I might be stuck on a soup-only diet for a long time. Eat up.”  
The younger man ducked his head, “... yeah. I’m sorry-”  
“Enough of that.” Rafael stopped him with a smile, “Right now we need to eat.”

They continued watching Mickey Mouse as they ate, both chuckling frequently.

After a few more episodes, Sonny shut off YouTube.

“How are you doing?” Rafael asked.  
“Better. Still pretty messed up.”  
Rafael nodded.

“You?”  
“Me?”  
“I realize you didn’t nearly get shot today but I know you were affected. Wanna tell me?”

Rafael smirked, “Well, I finally came across the realization that you were right and I was treating you pretty awful because I was jealous.”  
“Shit.” Sonny groaned.  
“What?”  
“I should’ve recorded that. Let me get my phone, tell me one more time-”  
Rafael laughed, elbowing Sonny.

“I was right, huh?”  
“Is that what I said?”  
“Pretty sure.”  
“You were right, Sonny. Your- is she your girlfriend? She was right.”  
“She’s not my girlfriend. She told me to pull my head out of my ass and talk to you before trying to date other people.”

“Sounds like a smart lady. Are you sure you didn’t tell you to tell _me_ to pull my head out of my ass?”  
“Oh, yeah. You, too. You owe her expensive shoes.” Sonny pretended to consider it, “Louboutin? Blahnik?”  
“She’s got good taste. Careful or I’ll start to like her.”

“Alright, so, I was right and you were wrong.” Sonny gestured for Rafael to continue.  
“Something like that.” Rafael chuckled before sobering, “Then I experienced you almost getting shot during cross-examination and fainted. In front of everyone.”  
Sonny sucked in air sharply, “Oh.”  
“Yeah, that wasn’t great. I think it scored me some sympathy points from the jury though. I had the foresight to ask Jeremy Go to co-council so he finished up cross examination after EMTs picked me up.”  
“Are you okay?”

Rafael huffed, “You’re not dead, Sonny. I’m perfect.”  

Sonny blinked at him for a moment, “I, uh… I meant I know you don't like going to doctors.”  
“Ah, well, I didn't let them take me to the hospital. I fainted but I came-to right after. I knew you weren't dead. I told them I was experiencing a stressful event with my soulmate and they insisted on taking my blood pressure and checking my blood sugar-"  
“What were your numbers?”  
“We're not talking about that right now.” Rafael snorted, “Don't you start with me, Sonny Carisi.”  
“I just want to know you’re okay.”   
“I’m fine enough, yes with my numbers, too. Do you want to talk about what happened in New Jersey?”

Sonny sighed and slouched deeper into the couch, “There’s, uh, not really all that much to tell.”  
“A man put a gun to your forehead, Sonny. Then he died violently in front of you. I felt his blood on your face.”  
“Yeah. It just- it happened so fast. We’d tracked Cole to his brother’s house. It was empty but his car was out front. He caught sight of us and the Lieu saw a gun. He called the Lieu and while he was distracted, I tried to get eyes on him, maybe catch him from behind and get him to lower his weapon. I got in the house, found Quinn tied up. He left her there as bait. As soon as she saw me she tried to tell me but he got the jump on me. I turned around and there he was.” Sonny paused. He took a deep, shuddering breath.

Rafael turned so that he could throw an arm around Sonny’s shoulders, nudging him to lean on Rafael. He covered Sonny’s hand with his free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.  
Sonny didn’t question it. He leaned into Rafael and rested his head on the older man’s shoulder, the proximity calming him immediately.

Several minutes passed before Sonny started talking again.

“He already had his gun to my head. Told me to put down my weapon and I complied. I- I tried to talk to him. He was too far gone. He’d already raped and kidnapped Quinn, planned ahead to get her ex-stalker accused… he was ready to kill me. I thought… this is it. _This_ is _it_ . I’m gonna die in New fuckin’ Jersey.”  
Rafael exhaled sharply, squeezing Sonny’s shoulder, “You asshole.” A droplet of amusement pierced the pool of dread they seemed to be surrounded by.

Sonny shook his head and despite being unable to see his face, Rafael knew he was smiling to himself.

The pool rippled but settled and once again the dread crept back in. Sonny’s next words were spoken in a whisper, “I knew I was going to die, Raf. This asshole was gonna put a bullet in my skull and I reached out to you.”

The detective cleared his throat, swallowing around the sudden lump that had formed there, “I wanted to say something like… _you can survive this_. You can survive losing a soulmate but all I could think was, _I’m sorry._ I’m sorry for dying like this. You didn’t deserve to feel that.”

Rafael exhaled slowly, somewhat surprised to find he’d been holding his breath, “It was awful. I’d only felt fear like that when I was a kid and my father towered over me. Knowing… something terrible was going to happen and I was completely powerless to stop it. It was worse this time because _then_ \- back then, I knew I was standing up for my mother. At least I felt like I was _doing_ something. But this time. You were scared and I could do nothing to help you.”  

Rafael made a tiny noise of amusement, “I’m glad you reached out to me. I thought… god, I thought you were apologizing to me for our fight. I thought you were about to die and you took the time to apologize to me when I was the one who was being a jealous asshole.”  
Sonny huffed a small laugh, “That sounds like something stupid I’d do.”

He shook his head, “The Lieutenant took her shot before Cole could. Saved my life. And I got a face-full of Cole’s blood for my troubles.”  
“I’m grateful to Liv but that had to be the most traumatizing way to save you.”  
“It was the fastest. Cole was gonna kill me, no two ways about it. She was faster.”

Rafael squeezed Sonny’s shoulder again, “I’m glad.”

Sonny turned his head so he could look into Rafael’s face. He hesitated for a few moments, casting his eyes down and the older man patiently waited.  
“You’re being too nice.”

Rafael laughed, the comment catching him completely off-guard. “I can be an asshole if you want.”  
“I just mean that I don’t really understand what all this means.”

“Okay.” Rafael agreed, “I get that. _Well_ , you nearly died and I think that’s reason enough to go against my usual repertoire.” he could still feel the creeping tendrils of worry emanating from Sonny, “You’re worried that I’ll revert back to form and kick you out.”  
“I don’t actually believe you’re that much of an asshole.”   
“You may not actively think it, no but I’ve certainly given you more than enough proof to believe it.”     
Sonny made a tiny noise of agreement, “When you put it that way…”

“You’ve been an amazing soulmate, Sonny. I thought, when we found out, that you’d be possessive, needy, demanding-” Rafael paused, laughing at the pained look on Sonny’s face.  
“Am I really that terrible? I mean, I know I can be kinda eager-”  
“No, no, just listen to me. I _thought_ that. You are eager, yes but not in a bad way. You proved yourself to be far more emotionally mature about this entire situation than I was. You gave me space, you respected my wishes, you took care of me. I was the one who became possessive, needy and demanding. When you confronted me about the way I was treating you… I was a jackass about it because I knew you were right. I’d been making you jump through hoops to prove yourself, dangling bait while telling you you’d never be good enough. Blocking the bond - I deserved every minute of it.”

Sonny remained quiet, turning over these comments in his head.

“I didn’t want a soulmate because my parents had been soulmates and my father made my mother’s life hell. He was a miserable son-of-a-bitch and my mother stayed with him because he was her _soulmate_. I hated the idea of being connected to some, potentially terrible, person. Or worse, that I’d become the same monster he was to someone who was bound to me. I resisted you so much, I became exactly what I was afraid of.”

“ _No_. Rafael, c’mon.” Sonny sat up, turning his body so he could look the older man in the face, “Look, I won’t give you a pass - you were mean at first and a jerk about Nora but you and I had some good times in between. I liked you before we had our moment for a reason. I don’t regret having you as my soulmate and I never did. You being mean… well, I wasn’t exactly surprised about that. You’re kind of a diva.”  
“Excuse me?”

Sonny grinned, “I’m not wrong. People don’t mention you like, ‘Oh, Rafael Barba? Isn’t he the ADA who got those johns locked up for raping a prostitute? He’s the _nicest guy_.’ You’re a hardass, everyone knows it.”  
“Who the hell is talking about me?”   
“You know, _people_. Never me. I only say good things about you.”     
Rafael laughed in spite of himself, “That a fact? What do you say?”   
“Absolutely!” Sonny brightened, “I talk about your conviction rate and your outfits. They’re very nice.”  
“I do try,” Rafael said dryly.  

“Raf, my point is… I want to be your soulmate. In every sense of the word. I haven’t changed my mind. My _question_ is… have you?”

Rafael sighed and rested his head on his knuckle, “I want to try.” he paused, “I mean, I want to prove to you that I can be a good soulmate and I’m sorry it took something as horrible as this for me to be honest with you.”  
Sonny shook his head, leaning in to pull the older man into a tight hug. He took the opportunity to press his nose against Rafael’s neck and breathe in deeply. As he did, Sonny clasped his hand around his neck - the first place he’d ever touched Rafael’s skin.

Just like the first time, a spark ignited there, sending jolts like electricity through both their bodies. Rafael gasped, feeling as though he could breathe deeply for the first time in a long time. Here again, he knew, he could sink deeply into their bond. Bury himself within Sonny Carisi. Rafael felt Sonny’s contentment seeping into himself.

_You’ll be amazing, Raf. Just like everything you put your head to, you’ll be wonderful._

Like sliding into a refreshing pool on a hot summer day, Rafael embraced their bond.

_Thank you, Sonny._

*

_Where’d you say she lived?_

_Uhh- she’s off of 5th-_

_Text it to me so I don’t forget._ Rafael stuffed another file into his already straining briefcase. His phone chirped, hidden under yet more paperwork.  
He tapped his office phone, “Carmen can you come in?”  
“Just a moment, Mr. Barba.”

Rafael freed his phone and copied down the address Sonny sent him on a rectangular shaped package. Carmen stepped into his office, “Running late?”  
“Unfortunately. Dworkins wouldn’t _shut up_. I promised Sonny I’d go with him to this appointment since I got stuck in court last time. I have a favor to ask.”  
“Which is?”

“I’m just about to call a courier to pick this up but I’ve got to get out of here. Do you think you could wait for them to pick it up before you leave for the day?”  
Carmen shrugged, walking over to take the package. She glanced at the address, “Oh. I know where this is. This is close to where I live, I can just take it and deliver it for you on my way home.”

“Really? I don’t want you to go out of your way.”  
“It’s no trouble but you’re more than welcome to compensate me for my time.”  
“I’ll get Sonny to make you those little cookies you like so much.”  
“I’ll accept that deal. Go on, Mr. Barba, it’s no trouble. I hope Detective Carisi is doing well.”  
“Thank you, Carmen, you’re an angel. Sonny’s doing good, really good. He’s not suffering from any major symptoms of PTSD, a few nightmares here and there. This therapist has a ton of experience with cops.”

_Beep beep, I’m here, Raf. Are you even ready to go?_

_I’m headed down now. Carmen sends her regards._

_Tell her I said hi and bye!_

“Sonny says hi.” Rafael pulled on his overcoat and grabbed his briefcase, “Thanks again, Carmen!”

“Bye Mr Barba, have a safe trip!” Carmen watched her boss hurry out the door, a smile on his face. It was so funny to see the change in Rafael Barba when he had accepted Sonny Carisi as his soulmate. Carmen couldn’t remember hearing him laugh genuinely in years.

She gathered her things and set out towards her neighborhood.

A short time later, Carmen arrived at the building listed on the package, only blocks away from her own apartment. She’d be glad to get home - the weather was cold now but the sky was darkening overhead and thunder could be heard in the distance.

At the front door she hit the button for the apartment listed on the box.

**“Hello?”**

“Hi, I’ve got a package for Nora Ghislain from Rafael Barba.”

**“Oh! Yeah, come on up.”**

The door buzzed and unlocked and Carmen gratefully stepped in out of the cold. She made her way up to the third floor and quickly found Nora Ghislain’s apartment.  
She barely knocked once before the door swung open, revealing a lovely black woman.  
“Hey, come on in. You can’t be a courier, not with those heels.”

Carmen laughed, “I work with Mr. Barba. He needed this delivered and I’m really nearby so I offered to drop it off.”  
“Aw, that’s so nice. Thank you! I’m Nora. Can I get you some coffee to warm up?” Nora stepped back to allow the other woman in.  
“I’m Carmen.” Carmen stepped in, “Coffee sounds great, it’s freezing out there.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve already got some made. I don’t want to keep you too long so you don’t run into the storm.”  
Carmen followed Nora into a tiny but wonderfully cozy loft apartment. “It’s itty bitty but it’s all mine.” Nora laughed.  
“It’s great. I’ve got two roommates who I love, I swear, but it can be a challenge.”

 “Let me grab you a cup. I’ve also got these great little cookies Sonny sent me.”   
Carmen laughed, “Are they bribing you, too?”  
The other woman grinned, “I think Sonny is apologizing. Rafael seems to be thanking me. He sent me tickets to Hamilton.”  
“Wow, and a box suspiciously shaped like a shoebox. What’d you do? Save his life?”

Nora poured coffee into two mugs, “He seems to think so.”  
She slid one mug towards Carmen, “I asked Sonny ou-oh-” Their fingers grazed against each others, igniting a spark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm done.
> 
> / _expires_
> 
> Can you believe it? Because I cannot. I probably finished too quickly. Part of me just wanted to finish it. I get an idea and then try too hard and I think that's what happened here. I had all the plot points set out, I just had to fill in the gaps but I tend to talk too much. 
> 
> Hopefully you enjoyed it, though! 
> 
> Here's the plot points I wrote out for the end: 
> 
> > Rafael can feel the muzzle of the gun against his own forehead and when Sonny flinches at the sound of the gunshot, Rafael faints (in court?) 
> 
> > idk, they makeup
> 
> > ???
> 
> > profit??
> 
> I'm still trying to figure that last one out. Hah!
> 
> Thanks a ton for sticking with me and being so flippin patient! I'm sorry it took me * _checks wrist_ * a decade to finish but at least we got there! All your comments were so lovely!! I really appreciate it :) 
> 
> I'm sure I'll try to write again in the future. Let's see what happens!


End file.
